a pet peeve.................and confusion
I said in my last post that I've felt in a daze lately, and it's true. Very true. There's so much going on, and yet I know that I am missing things. Opportunities are slipping through my fingers because I can't stop long enough to see what's right in front of me. Things that I could have done, that I could have said are surrounding me in a blinding fog, running together so completely that I can't see the individual thoughts to know what to do. Part of my confusion lies with my faith. You see, I don't believe in coincidence. I just don't.
I believe that there is a reason for everything that happens. Many things have happened over the past few weeks that could so easily be dismissed as coincidence if I thought that way, but I don't. So, that means there must be a reason for those things happening. There must be a reason for me unwittingly delivering pizza to the house where my FRG was having their (early) Halloween Party. I have been avoiding anything having to do with the FRG for many reasons, but mostly because I feel awkward--my husband's still here, and most of the others are in Iraq. Of course, I noticed the pin with the unit crest that one of the ladies was wearing and commented on it. They wanted to know how I knew this was the FRG party for blank unit. They asked if my husband was in the unit, asked my name, and then told me how they've been trying to get in contact with me for months. They now have my email address as well as phone number, and want me to come to the next meeting. Here comes the confusion. Did I just happen to deliver to that house because I am supposed to get involved? The answer is probably yes, but I'm fighting with myself about it because I don't want to.
There have been several other situations like this lately, and I'm having a hard time dealing with it. I want to trust God to lead me, to point me in the direction He would have me go, but I'm scared to give up control. Since I'm not giving up control, I don't have a very good grasp on what He wants me to do. So, I feel like I'm being given tools and abilities for a job, but not being told what the job is.
Here's where the title I chose comes into the picture. My mom worked for several years as the office manager for both my dad (chaplain) and the drug & alcohol program at Belmont Racetrack in NY. She was responsible for sending out correspondence for my dad and for the counselors, however, she ended up proofreading and almost always re-writing the letters sent out by one of the counselors. He was not a well-educated man, but he tried to pass himself off as intelligent by using the biggest words he could find. The problem was that he didn't really understand how to use these words in context, so he often sounded ridiculous. one example I will never forget, and that was the phrase "a constellation of feelings". He was looking for a synonym for many, vast array, etc., and somehow stumbled on constellation. It almost works, but not quite. It would be like me trying to describe the night skies as containing a "plethora of stars". Again, it almost works, but not quite.
This man had tools (words) and abilities (writing), but did not use them well. Rather than trying to explain something clearly, he tried to build himself up and impress others with those tools and abilities. Because he wasn't using them properly, he did not succeed.
Similarly, I too have been given tools and abilities. How do I avoid using them selfishly to build myself up and impress others? How do I use them instead to do the job that God has for me? With so many opportunities, how do I differentiate between what He wants and what I want? I guess I need to pray, and try to let Him lead. It sure isn't easy letting go.