and still have a happy home.....
He's driving me crazy! Only at times, but arrgghhh!
A little personality history first. When we met 9 years ago, I was a very outgoing person. I was outrageous, said what I wanted, I enjoyed being in the spotlight, I was liked, I was popular, I was desired, I was funny, I had a zest for life. For the most part, that is me. A little crazy, but who's not? Over the years I have gone through several periods where I was not myself. I developed a problem with my thyroid in college, which the doctors incorrectly diagnosed and treated as depression. The real problem was not discovered for a good three years after that. During that time I did have problems with depression, most of which was caused by the medication they had me on, the fact that the actual problem was not being addressed, and weight gain triggered by the thyroid problem. Even dealing with those issues I was able to remain me to the outside world. Very few people knew what I was like at home. Fortunately I have a very stubborn and loving husband who was willing to put up with all of the crap we've been through.
My husband joining the Army was one of the best things that happened for our marriage, despite problems when he was away. Moving to CA and being away from everyone we knew, all of our family, made us lean on each other more. My health issues were being taken care of, we were involved in the chapel, I was happy. He seemed happy at least. Moving to Texas was okay. A few things had changed, his hours at work were much different, and he became more and more unhappy. I started to reflect that as well, and started to regain some of the weight I worked hard at losing while we were in CA. We bought a house, planning on making that our home when he came back from Korea (after what we thought would be a short stint at Ft. Hood). Then he left.
The year he was gone was probably the most miserable year of my life because it was the first time I had ever been alone. I went from high school to living in the dorm at college, to being married, to living with an Aunt when my man was in boot camp. I had never been alone before. Within a few weeks of his departure most of the other people I knew there finished training and left as well. I had a friend from college move in with me to keep me company and give her an opportunity to find a job, but her father became ill and she had to go back home.
At this point I must provide additional information. My primary love languages (please read The Five Love Languages by Chapman) are quality time and physical touch. This means that without these things I begin to feel unloved. This also means I am vulnerable if/when I spend time with other people. I was on my own quite a bit when I was living with my aunt for a few months because she worked two full time jobs and wasn't home much. She lived about 90 mins away from the college I had gone to, so I spent alot of time there, and kidnapped friends often to take them home with me. I didn't go home to NY at that point because I was afraid of myself, but that backfired in a different way.
Fast forward back to the Korea year. I was so afraid of spending too much time with some people, I didn't know many people to begin with, so I hid. I went days, sometimes a week or more, without leaving the house. I worked for a temp agency at the time, and when I was working, I was fine. When the assignment was over, and it was a while until the next one..... I retreated into myself so much that I was no longer me. I spent long hours on the phone at first, but that slowed until it was mostly my husband and my mom. Don't get me wrong, it was not like this every day, it was just the overall feel of the year in general.
When he came home, things were pretty bad. He was miserable while he was gone, but looking forward to being out in a year. I was so happy he was home, but it was hard for me to show it. We moved again, which was a mess, rented out our house, which was a mess, and we had to start working on our relationship again. You get the picture.
Anyway, for the last year I have been trying to get back to being myself, to being a happy person. It was not easy at all with the negativity that pervaded our apartment (thank you, stop-loss). I thought I had gotten back to me several months ago, but my husband made an off-hand comment about me being such a prude, so prissy, now, that I stopped to think. I realized he was right. I had changed (some of it because I grew up) since we met when we were 18. Some of the changes I liked, others I didn't. His comment was in reference to my reaction to somethings that were said on JU before I signed up. I reacted with disbelief and indignation whenever bad language was used or anything remotely dirty was said. I realized I had closed my mind in a way I had hoped I never would. So I changed.
I started re-reading things that I had written, going back to elementary school and on forward. I reconnected with friends from high school and college. I read some romantic novels. The twinkle reappeared in my eye and the grin formed on my lips again. I've been having fun, alot of it. Then, last night, disparaging and embarrassed remarks are made about the "porn" I've been posting on my blog.
So, evidently I'm either a prude or I post embarrassing "porn". Is there a happy median? Should I change what I'm posting? Any ideas?