why I shouldn't have caffeine......
The past few days have been a complete roller coaster, extreme ups and downs with little reason and less warning. Saturday ended up being a great day despite the panic and guilt at the beginning. Sunday I was late to church, but I did make it. My sleep cycle has been so off the last couple of months it's not even funny. But Sunday was pretty good as a whole until after I got home from dinner with a friend. I parked myself in front of the computer, intending to wait for 30 minutes or so before going walking, and before I knew it, it was really really late. Normally that wouldn't bother me, I'd go anyways, as my neighborhood is very well lit and I feel safe when I'm walking at night. When I got ready to leave though, and my hand was on the front door, I just got this really weird feeling that I shouldn't be going out there. I have no idea why, but I've learned to trust those feelings over the years. I didn't feel like walking around the living room, not with the amount of walking I had left to do for the day, so I just didn't do it. That was the part that hurt the most. I've committed myself to working on this diet and exercise plan, and it was the first time in a very long time that I hadn't done at least my minimum. But I didn't do it. I sat in front of the computer instead. I didn't turn in until after 2:30. When I got back up a few hours later, and I should have been getting out and accomplishing many many things, I sat at home and did nothing. Nothing but stare at the computer screen and surf the web. I did finally leave the house and go walking, but not until 10:30pm. Then I got back on the computer and stayed on until after 4:30. I chatted with several friends for awhile, which was nice, but I was talking to a couple in Texas until they went off to bed, and was still on when one of them got up to go to work Tuesday morning, so we chatted for awhile again.
Yesterday I distanced myself from the internet addiction a bit. Spent a couple hours at the gym, went to a doctors appt, a very late lunch, and then to the movies to see Pirates 3 with a friend. All of that played a very big part in the roller coaster, and I don't even want to know what my blood sugar was at some points. I've had this really bad habit of not eating lunch until after my appointments when I'm going for a weigh-in, but that's bad when I get caught up and don't eat anything at all between a special K bar at 10am and lunch at 4:30pm. Especially when I spend a couple of hours at the gym in between like I did yesterday. By the time I had lunch my head was getting foggy and my hands were shaky, not good signs. So, instead of drinking just water like I do 95% of the time, I went with some iced green tea. I have no idea how much caffeine was in it, or if it was the sugar in it instead, though it didn't taste sweet, but by the time I finished eating, I was flying high! When we got to the movie theater 20 minutes later, I couldn't stand still. I was bouncing up and down, spinning in circles, walking very quickly, talking a mile a minute, and giggling like crazy. The friend I was with hadn't seen me like that before, so she told me to chill out. Not necessarily such a great idea. You learn to live with a friend's quirks and embrace them all or a friendship doesn't work very well, it feels very lopsided. Anyways, the giggling took me back to other times and places......
I've been called many things over the years, given many names by friends, family, and enemies as well. Some are random, some describe me all the time, and some refer to particular situations. Once back in high school I had a couple of friends tell me I sounded like a chipmunk on crack when I laughed. I think that was when I was in the middle of my four hour marathon laughing fit--my record. I couldn't stop laughing. I was at school for a play rehearsal, I was in the pit orchestra for that one, and during the dinner break the principal said something that made me laugh. I ended up having to leave the room, but I still could not stop laughing. At one point I actually fell down in the hallway behind the balcony entrance and was rolling on the floor laughing uncontrollably. My friends came out of the soundbooth and called me a chipmunk on crack. The description stuck. It still fits when the right mood hits. But it's been awhile since I'd laughed like that. Nothing has affected me so much that I couldn't control it. Or maybe it's just that I haven't let go of myself in so long. My walls have been impenetrable and I've been stubbornly unwilling to allow myself to relax even a little bit of my self-control. That's been good as far as the diet and exercise is concerned (25 lbs in 10 wks), but maybe not so good in other areas. I just remembered something I used to say alot, years ago.
You've got to be a little crazy part of the time so you don't go totally crazy all of the time.
I guess I'd forgotten that I have to let myself have a little bit of freedom, not be quite so perfectionistic in my expectations of myself, and not punish myself for my lapses when they occur, just keep going and don't let it totally derail me. Maybe it's time to loosen up and let the chipmunk out a bit more often, just perhaps without all the caffeine and sugar this time.