realizing I've not been myself
Okay, first a little background since I haven't posted much at all in the last year.
This time last year I was finishing my first year working as a Pre-K teacher's aide in Texas, going to school, one class away from finally finishing my Bachelor's degree in Music, working part time delivering pizza, leading children's choir & teaching a 5th & 6th gr Sunday School class and active in the praise team at church, continuing to study voice, hanging out with friends, watching movies, and loving life. I was lonely because my husband was in Norfolk, VA and had been for several months while he was training for a new job in the Army, but we talked pretty much every day, school was almost out and I was planning to go see him, and things were looking up. You see, there were plans. The one class I had left I had found online, could finish quickly at the beginning of the summer, start my alternative certification and almost certainly be teaching choir or elementary music come the fall. As for my baby, he would be finished with his school that summer as well and would be assigned to a unit back at the same post on Ft. Hood, allowing us to stay where we were, and I would get to spend most of the summer job free with him. We knew he would end up deploying mere months after coming back to me from VA, but we also knew he would be doing something he loved and had always wanted to do.
Do you remember going to a carnival, fair, or feast as a kid? Ever go on the Gravitron? Remember how the floor seems to just fall out from under you and you scream? Yeah.....
Half-way through his class they decided it wasn't going to work. Go play with someone for awhile, come back and try again. I have my theories on that one, but whatever. In the space of two weeks he was packed, drove back to Texas, was home for a few days, and then off to Arizona. I didn't move right away for several reasons, but it quickly became apparent he would be there longer than planned, and we had no idea where he would be sent after--definately no guarantee of going back to Texas. So, with much ado, much, much help, including a couple of drivers, I followed a month later.
I arrived in the wilderness, living on four acres of cactus and tumbleweed from whence I could see the lights of the border fence at night. I felt totally uprooted, but we were together again, and I discovered that there were a couple of people there from previous assignments. I went to the chapel to get reacquainted and ended up with a job offer my first week. We were welcomed in to a wonderful family at the gospel chapel, and learned alot singing in the choir there. After I'd been there about a month and a half, my hubby and several others were told that they were being sent somewhere else for school (yet again!), and I would not be able to go. At least it was only 2 1/2 months this time. I filled my time with work, church, and more of both. I helped bake cookies for the coffee house program they had for the students, usually 30-40 dozen each time. I helped lead music at the contemporary service, with CDs since I still have little to no piano skills and I can't sing and play flute at the same time, and I talked to friends on the phone alot. But a week after he left I noticed a problem with my left eye, and I went to the doctor to have it checked out. Within a short amount of time the opthamologist connected the dots with several things that had been going on since the beginning of the year that I'd gone to the dr for in TX, even the ER, and noone had been able to explain, and he diagnosed me with Pseudo Tumor Cerebri. Basically, CSF build up in the brain causes too much pressure and mimics all the symptoms of a brain tumor without a tumor being present. I lost half the field of vision in my left eye, making driving extremely difficult, I had problems with blurred vision, short-term memory loss, slured speech, nausea, and black-out causing migraines. My mom came down to visit to go with me to the neurologist and ended up staying for 2 months because I couldn't drive and at times could barely function. The doctors couldn't get me to the specialists that they needed to, so they just gave me more and more meds. My biggest scare, before I stopped driving, was one morning when I got to work, I had been talking on the cell phone (headset) to someone for the whole 35 minute drive to the office because it helped me concentrate. When I walked into the building not only could I not remember who I had just gotten off the phone with, I didn't even remember having gotten in the car that morning. It was such a blessing and relief to have my mom here with me. And I know it helped my husband to know I was being taken care of, too.
When his school was done, he drove on to WA so he could get things set up there, and then immediately requested the time to come get me. It was not easy, but he finally managed, and we made the move, arriving the night of the worst storm in years. I was really nervous about seeing new doctors here, as the one time I got to see a neurologist in AZ ( my condition was out of his area of expertise, so he wouldn't treat me), he told me that since the meds I was one didn't seem to be working I would probably end up having to have brain surgery when I got here, and he didn't really recommend it, but if I did have to have it done, there were only a hand full of drs in the country he would even trust to do the surgery and he didn't know any up here. Way to set me up for feeling positive, huh?
I'm glad that we were sent here. I've been to several specialty clinics within the hospital here, and everywhere I've been, I've been seen by the head of the clinic. I've finally been treated as a complete person and not as some chart. And the drs in AZ were wrong. My new docs actually have no idea what it was that was wrong, but there's no sign of it now. When I got here I was on 11 or 12 different meds and dealing with 5 or 6 diagnoses. Now I'm on 4 meds, one's a vitamin, and most of the diagnoses have been dropped or at least amended. I'm still dealing with alot, but it's so much better now physically than it was! I'm working with one of the docs on a weight loss and exercise program, and I'm down 18 pounds in the past 3 weeks! I'm so excited!
I haven't met alot of people here though. Well, I have, but not many that I've connected with. I go to a ladies bible study once a week, but everyone I've met has kids. I don't. I like kids, but I need adult conversation, and most of the ladies I've met here either don't seem all that interested in making new friends, or I don't have anything in common with them at all, or they can't control their kids, which drives me up the wall, especially after having worked with kids for several years (I subbed for awhile too). And then there's the unit Family Readiness Group. The two times we've gotten together since the deployment have been at kid type pizza buffets. Really what I want to do when I'm trying to diet and still sometimes dealing with headaches, huh? So, I've taken to sitting at home, watching TV and movies, going walking, going to the gym, and talking on the phone alot. I'm writing letters to my love, and staring at his picture wishing he was here. I read, too, but not as much as I used too. I still have problems with concentration at times, but that could also be that I'm still not sleeping well. You'd think I'd get used to it when a full third of the time he's been in uniform has been spent apart, but I still reach out for him at night and am disappointed to find the pillow.
Anyway, last week I got an unexpected phone call from a college friend who is living near here as well, and we decided to get together Saturday. I checked with hubby to make sure he knew and was okay with it, in case someone saw me and decided to tell their deployed soldier that they saw ---'s wife out with another guy. He joked that he wasn't so sure about his wife hanging out with some sailor, especially one who just got back into port, but since it was ---, no problem. We couldn't decide where to meet Saturday so he drove down to pick me up, only I figured I'd meet him at the gas station rather than my neighbors seeing some guy pick me up, too many questions, and it's a weird relationship with the neighbor. I was nervous, hoping noone would see me, because what would they think? A couple of hours at Starbucks and I realized that I had barely even made eye contact and was apologizing for stupid things. I started to let go, but it wasn't easy. By the time we got back to the gas station I didn't care who saw me, because I was with a good friend I hadn't seen in years, someone who meant alot and still does. And if anybody thought something of it, they needed to get a life and mind their own damned business.
I had a great day, and a long night, drifting around online and seeing people I hadn't even thought of in years. And I realized somewhere in the course of the hours between waking Saturday after too little sleep because of a late showing of Spiderman 3 Friday, and stumbling into church 20 minutes late Sunday exhausted from too little sleep because I was on myspace for hours on end and doing alot of deep thinking, that somewhere, somehow, in the midst of the last year, I've lost myself. Those of you that know me know I am not the person that sits meekly and doesn't look someone in the eyes when talking to them. I have my foibles, my flaws, but I struggle for humility, I am not a mouse. I was angry with God at first, for all the changes in the last year, we had everything planned, everything was going so well. And then I stopped to think, and realized two things: 1, I am healthier now and have better care here than I have ever had--I was finally able to get a referral to a fertility specialist, even if it was two weeks before he left; 2, I was able to spend more time with my husband than I would have if we hadn't left TX, and our relationship is better too.
So, now that I've gotten all of that out, and you've read way more than you ever wanted to, I'm sure, thank you. Every one of you has touched me in some way whether you know it or not, and I'm so bad at letting people know. I realize now that I'm where I'm supposed to bewhether I like it or not. I just have to figure out what I'm supposed to do now that I'm here, get out of the house, and start talking to people again. Just don't ask me to watch your kid for you, it ain't gonna happen.